Finding Purpose for Increased Resilience and Wellbeing

recovery Jul 11, 2022

Finding Purpose for Increased Resilience and Wellbeing


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Tamar: We're live.

Lane: Welcome back.

Tamar: Where's the spray lane.

Lane: Oh, wait, hold, please hold. So good.

Tamar: I still haven't gotten any, I think with the episodes we have out now, it's probably about two months of us doing the spray. Yeah. I should get some, you should get some, and I haven't gotten any that's okay.

Lane: That's okay. You can get some soon.

I'm hanging out here with my friend,

Tamar, Medford,

Tamar: and I'm hanging out with my friend lane Kennedy

Lane: and you are hanging out with us on your sober. Now, what. Now, what's the question now? What is the question? We're really glad that you're here. And this episode is being brought to you by...

Tamar: The Now What Academy!

Lane: what is that?

Tamar: It's a life-changing, magical journey.

Lane: Magical journey. Yeah. We wanna invite you to check out what we're doing. Uh, hop on over to our website, and look at everything that we're doing. There's a big, huge orange, big, huge, that's kind of a double entendre. That's no, we don't talk like that. Uh, there's a big orange button in the upper right-hand corner where you can ask us a question or leave a, would you rather statement mm-hmm uh, so we can bring that onto the show, cuz on our episodes, we are going to answer those questions. And we're gonna answer one today for sure. Right? 

Tamar: What's the question.

Lane: What is the question today?

Tamar: The question is what geeky things did you do in early sobriety that you thought was cool only now to look back and think O M G

Lane: Oh my god. So many things, I'm like devastated.

Everything was a great idea. Uh, okay, so I am searching the archives. This one. Oh my God. I mean, I'm all of about two years and I thought I would be a tour manager for my girlfriend. Let me tell you the quickest way to break up your relationship. Become a tour manager for your girlfriend. Not okay to drive across the country. No, that was not a good idea. OMG, didn't get paid for it. My body hurt. We were up late at night. We were arguing about the merch. Uh, no, not a good idea. Do you have one?

Tamar: This is a really tough one actually because I did. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's closer for me because I'm only 10 and I was newly single and I was loving life. I was going to the beach as we did. We talked about this in the fun episode. And I would do all these little things as though I was a teenager again. Right. So actually the, you know, um, the, uh, lovely woman who sent us this question. Yes. We used to be roommates. We were in this house with a few of us and it was 11 p.m. And we were still, a few of us are up and my friend's son was sitting there and, and we're like, let's go for ice cream. Now we had a couple of other people in the home that were sleeping. It was 11 p.m.

Hmm. And we're like, yeah, that'd be a really good idea. But the problem was, my car was in front and it was behind a couple of other cars, so we couldn't get out. And so at 11 o'clock at night thinking, we're super stealth we're going to, we're going to cold stones Creamery. And so we managed to go outside and back the car up over the lawn up around, and we ended up getting out, but we were laughing and we were having such a good time. And then, so we went out, we did our ice cream thing. We get hopped up and came back after midnight and our other roommate said, thank you for waking me up. If you guys thought you were quiet you were not but we used to think it was so cool to do those things. 

Lane: Yeah, not cool. Waking people up.

Tamar: No, it's not cool. No, no, the next day she wasn't very happy with us.

Lane: No. Another thing that I thought was the best idea ever. it's like working in stocks, not a good idea to work in the stock market. Not a good idea when you don't know what money is not my...I'm not an accountant. I never got A's in math. You need to have some kind of financial wisdom instead of like, I was like, I'm jumping in all in two feet into the stock market. Yeah, that did not go well. At all

So, uh, the next good idea that I had was to write a book, so that, that was good, you know, that took a while and then to go travel and then the OMGs started to change, but that tho those first ones were doozies. 

Tamar: I think because I was so financially strapped in my first couple of years as sobriety, that probably helped. It limited the amount of really bad things that I could get myself into. So I guess I'm grateful for that now. I think now it's more, I, cuz I still have that shiny object syndrome where I'm like squirrel, right? I mean, you know, you experience this, I call you I'm like Lane. This is a great idea. And this is why, if you are one of those people like myself, where you have all these grandiose ideas that pop in your head, run them by somebody else before you do them. I do that all the time now. Yes, that's good. I used to not. I would ask for forgiveness later. Like I'd always just do it see what happened and then after I'd be like, all right, I gotta come clean.

Lane: Yes, I'm thinking about things that I've done without asking or not in asking that's not the right word, but running things by right. Like my big ideas, starting companies, selling companies. Oh my God. Losing money. Oh my God. I have a 12-year-old now. I mean, never ran that by anybody. I love my kids so much though.

Tamar: He's a good kid.

Lane: He is. He's the best. Yeah. Uh, yeah, so it's a good idea. Always run things by other humans. It just really is... buying houses. That's a, you know, moving that's something that you wanna run by someone else, just, just to hear like, oh yeah, that's a good idea. 

Tamar: Getting into relationships,

Lane: Getting into relationships, moving to the other side of the world. yeah. These are the things. So yeah, strongly, uh, advise, ask a friend.

Tamar: Pull the, ask a friend card

Lane: For 500, please.

Tamar: Life is a game show. Yeah. Is that your final answer?

Lane: Yeah, it is ask a friend. I'm taking it. Yeah. What are we talking about today?

Tamar: Purpose.

Lane: Yes. You love this conversation. This is a big topic for you.

Purpose purpose.

Tamar: This lights me up. Yes. And for those of you that have a problem with the word, purpose, think direction.

Lane: Ooh, that's nice. Clear, right. Direction. Yeah. Direction. We need, we need direction in our lives. And a lot of times I know, uh, a lot of women don't use maps. Okay. We're gonna break it down like this.

We just go places mm-hmm and we use a GPS system now because that's installed in our car or on our Google search. Right. But before all that technology, there were things called maps.

Tamar: I know. Right. Could you imagine,

Lane: I love maps, but I didn't use them unless I had to, I can also equate this to a user manual. You get that new technology, something or other, and there's like, here's a step by step A, B step C. Right. Plug this into this direction. I could also equate this to making the perfect chocolate chip cookie. Here are the instructions. 

Tamar: I love chocolate chip cookies. 

Lane: If you don't do A, B, and C, then the cookies gonna be flat and gooey gross. So directions clarity maps, but again, women, I don't know. I know a lot of women that just like go and do because we're doers.

We are doers. 

Tamar: I might be one of them sometimes.

Lane: I'm one of them. Let's do this. There's the dog.

Tamar: Well, they're part of the show, so it's okay.

Lane: It's okay. So we're gonna talk about purpose and direction. Yeah. Okay. Go.

Tamar: We need a little bit of direction, you know, I think that and we've talked about this before we settle, we settle for the things in life that don't fulfill us, or maybe at one point, they used to fulfill us. Were you gonna say something?

Lane: Yeah. What with gimme an example of what you've settled for.

Tamar: So I think for me, I settled for my career. I thought, okay. I have a good-paying job.

Lane: The money, the being money being handcuffed to that paycheck. Oh, that certainty insurance. Oh yeah.

Tamar: And that's the reality though. I mean, if you look at a job, you could get, let go of your job tomorrow. Just because you have a high-paying job doesn't mean it's gonna be there forever. And I have to, I have to really like, think about that because I'm always like I have a paycheck coming in every two weeks. I'm okay. But every Sunday, Friday was Friday's still my favorite day. I just like to say that, but you know, I'd go through the weekend, and Sunday I'd wake up. And all of a sudden there was like this dark cloud over me and Sunday night started to come and it was like, oh, I'm gonna wake up. I'm gonna have to check 150 emails tomorrow. Like just that. Anxiety and the dread of having to go to work. And some days were good, don't get me wrong. You know, I didn't have a terrible job. And I think that's what got me is because I had a decent job. I enjoyed most of the people I worked with. So it wasn't a terrible thing, but it was so just the Mon that just the, it was, it got boring. And I felt like I was settling because I had a good income, but it wasn't.

Lane: It's not enough. No, doesn't feed your soul. No day in, day out, 150 emails. Ugh. Middle finger up at that

Tamar: Middle, big mental finger up at that. I think I think we have a t-shirt on that. 

Lane: Yes we do. You can check that out over at the connected calm life we have merch.

Tamar: Yep. Yep.

Lane: Okay. So women settle, lose purpose, lose focus, and lose direction because of their career or their job. The J O B.

Tamar: And relationships!

Lane: Oh God, are we gonna go there?

Tamar: Are we, uh, we could,

Lane: We could, relationships are hard, right? They are hard. We started to talk about marriage and we started to talk about these long-term relationships and it's devastating. But what I know and what I've discovered with working with clients for many, many years now is this is one area of their lives that women settle. It's like they roll over and freaking die. Oh, it hurts my heart.

Tamar: Mine too.

Lane: It's like, I don't know what happens. I was in therapy with my husband. Maybe 10 years ago because this was happening. And I remember the therapist saying, are you gonna change? And that was like the biggest question. I was like, how do we change? You know? And she's like, well, if you don't change, then you're gonna dissolve like dissolve. Yeah. And I was like, oh my God, it was so overwhelming.

Tamar: Yeah. And I, you know, when I talk about relationship, I talk about too, this is where purpose comes into it. So well, is that I think we lose ourselves within a relationship, right? Because maybe you've got kids you're doing the day to day, cuz there's a lot to do. Like, I mean, let's be honest. I don't have children, but I, all my friends do. And it's literally like a second job for them because a lot is going on. And so I find that as women, we lose ourselves within that. Right. And we're always doing things for other people. But when you find this clarity and you start to do things that light you up again, you actually can learn to show up differently in your relationships where you don't feel like you're settling because you are getting your cup filled too. Right. And so I think when you're in that place of like, you're stagnant, you're settling.

Ugh. You can switch, like if you've got a good relationship, but you just haven't nurtured that relationship, finding your purpose can help improve that relationship. Or you realize that you're not meant to be in that relationship like I did,

Lane: Which is heavy too. 

Tamar: Yeah. Heavy.

Lane: Yeah, no, I'm just thinking about like the purpose of waking up with a purpose every day, from my perspective, as a, as a married woman with a kid, you know, committed to my relationship, committed to my marriage, which I can't believe I even, I say that's so it's just wild to me.

Uh, it, it, it is about purpose. Mm-hmm, it's, it's about understanding. The relationship is not everything. Mm-hmm that it is not going to fill my cup. Mm-hmm, it fills a part of my cup. Doesn't fill my cup though. So finding purpose gives me the strength and the courage and the per like the oomph to be in that relationship. Every. if I didn't have that, I couldn't do it honestly. I couldn't do it.

Tamar: Yeah. It's hard. And I think also finding when you start to investigate what lights you up, you start to attract people. And this was, I believe this is the most incredible part of my journey so far. If I have to like, look at everything that's happened over the last few years, since I decided to make this change, I have met people. That have very similar purposes and those people have become some of my closest friends. Like it's, you know what I mean? So you, you open up this whole new world for yourself and you start to attract these people. Like it's like the universe opens up as soon as you go. This is, this is the direction I wanna go.

The universe opens wide open.

Lane: It's making a decision. Like it's really, as soon as that decision is made and soon as, and, and taking that step forward mm-hmm yeah. The universe opens just like you said, mm-hmm but so many people get stuck in that decision-making process. Mm-hmm right. It's like, there's a lot of circles, like a lot of going around in a circle.

Tamar: Yeah, it's hard. It is hard. And I think that's where our beliefs come, too. Right. Mm-hmm is mm-hmm we'll start going back into the, well, maybe I can't do this and there's a lot of things that will trigger us. Right. Feedback

Lane: that fear of there's that word Tamar 

Tamar: oh yeah, no. Um, Mm, get amped up. I'll have to put it on my whiteboard. No, don't say that word. Um, okay. So certain things will get us going. Yes, right. That set us back.

Lane: Charge us.

Tamar: They'll charge us, charge us. That's the good get is charged. That's a good word. Um, see, I'm learning it's progress though. Yes, it is. It's a, it's a messy journey. Um, certain things will charge us. Mm-hmm somebody criticizing us. Right. And we take it personally or it's hard work. 

Lane: Don't take it personally.

Tamar: Don't take it personally. Um, who cares? What they all think? We don't. But all these things can kind of set us back where we start to go.

Okay. Maybe this isn't a good idea. And I kind of feel like for me, that's almost like my, you know, my higher power or, you know, my inner intuition kind of tapping me on the shoulder saying, are you serious about this change? Like, I'm gonna throw some things in there. Mm-hmm and I want you to like go for it.

Lane: What if, uh, oh, what if it was easy to say yes to your purpose?

Do you think women would do it?

Tamar: I don't know. Mm-hmm because

Lane: Do you think they like the struggle

Tamar: Maybe? Maybe we are secretly inside. We do mm-hmm mm-hmm I do know from my personal experience that when I have to work hard at something and the reward. Is so much more satisfying, right? My life is, was all about instant gratification. What can I get now? That's gonna make me feel good. But when I know I have to work hard at somebody, in the beginning, it's kinda like, here we go. It's like going hiking right. Where you're looking at the top of the mountain and you get halfway through and you're like, no, I can't do this. But then when you get to the top of that mountain and you turn around and you look and you're like, wow, like there's just this overwhelming sense of. Accomplishment and you wanna do more? It's like now what? 

Lane: Now What? What's next? Yeah. When I get on the bike and I'm riding the bike, right. Like, oh God, can't believe I'm on this bike again. But then I look down and my legs are like getting muscles. I'm like, yes, mm-hmm. . That's not my purpose today on the bike. I thought about it. I thought about how my purpose is to take care of my body. I thought about like all the statements that I make these, I am statements. I am a mother, right? These statements become a reality. Uh, and how, like I am a mother, it becomes a part of my purpose. I am a woman. And how does that become a part of my purpose? Well, I need to show other women that I'm out there and I am being authentically me. Right. And people are either gonna love that or hate it doesn't matter.

I'm gonna show up and be me mm-hmm and I was talking to, uh, uh, another practitioner and this topic of menopause came up.

Tamar: Oh God.

Lane: Mm-hmm right. That's a heavy topic.

Tamar: Haven't gotten there yet,

Lane: But does it have to be a heavy topic? No. No, it doesn't. It's a, it's a topic that nobody like people don't like to talk about it but as I was having this conversation, it's her purpose. That's why I'm bringing this up. It's her purpose to share about the process. Menopause and perimenopause and how empowering this process are and how it's a great stage of life. Actually. That's how I feel. It's this part of my life where it's that?

That like it's to who fucking cares, like, no, No, nobody is going to tell me that I can't do anything during this phase of my life. Mm-hmm and having this conversation with her yesterday, she's so fired up and I've known her for probably Adrian is so probably 12 years mm-hmm and I've seen her do all kinds of wonderful things in her life, but this. She is in sync. She is on purpose and she is like saying yes to her life. And all of these opportunities are unfolding easily for her. So cool. But she got there by saying. I'm gonna do, like, she decided to say, this is what I'm gonna do. It's going to be messy. It's going to be hard. It's gonna be challenging, but I'm gonna show up every day for it. So cool when we get to that place and say, this, this is my decision. This is my purpose. I'm walking forward.

Tamar: Yeah. And when I quit my corporate job, a coach friend of mine. You know, I had kind of thought, well, maybe I'll just give, like, I'll take a three to month leave of absence cuz I wanted that safety net. Right. I was terrified. I'd had financial insecurities from, you know, my, my, uh yesterday's and I was sitting with her and she's like Tamar, when are you gonna do this full time? And I said soon, and she's like, what are you waiting for? And I said, well, you know, I just wanna make sure it's the right time because I think we do it with health. We do it with us, you know, what we eat. It's always like, well, I'll start again on Monday. Right? Oh. And so God, I was planning it out, but I, I wasn't willing to take that step. And she looked at me and she said, Tamar, when you quit drinking, did you leave a bottle of vodka in the cup, just in case you wanted to go back?

Lane: Oh my God.

Tamar: And I was like, I sure did not. Yeah. And she said, so why would you do that with this? And mm-hmm that next day was my birthday. I wrote up my letter of resignation and I handed it in so well. It was terrifying, but I experienced this sense of freedom that I've experienced since then but it was just like all of a sudden the universe was like, okay, you're ready. And I feel that sometimes, like, we, we think about doing these things right. And we're not because we're not getting the result or we're not seeing. The wins right away. We think that nothing is happening, but then when we make that decision and we take the step into that.

Yep. It's like the universe is like, okay, now you're, you're telling me you're ready. 

Lane: Yeah, it is. It is these small actions that are, yes, I'm moving towards this decision to live on this, in this purpose. Yeah, yes. On-time and time. God's time all, all-time time. And that purpose time, time takes time. But the purpose, right? The purpose resonates with your soul. Like it is in there and we ignore it and we make up excuses not to do that, but when we're there, life becomes so much easier. So good. So good.

Tamar: Yeah. I can't imagine going back to that place today. No, where I would settle.

Lane: No, there is no settling.

Tamar: No, it's just like, I, I, I feel like I'm so far out of my comfort zone now that I'm riding this wave of discomfort.

Mm-hmm discomfort. That feels good. Cause that's what it was. I was afraid. No matter how uncomfortable I was. The norm in the comfort, my thought was comfort. Mm-hmm, I had a hard time getting out of it cuz I'm like, well, this I know, I know what it feels like to be complacent.

I know what it feels like to settle. And I have an okay life. So I should be happy here. Should, should, should I, I should all over. Don't do the, I know. Or I should mm-hmm yeah.

Lane: Purpose. It's a jumping-off place and it's, and it's such a beautiful place to live in daily. Yeah, it's a place that again, I always go back to it's a place you can find it on your own, but having someone to walk the path with to guide you makes it so much easier and keeps you on the path to living. Right. Living on purpose cause I feel like we're we live in such a time right now where everybody's distracted and overwhelmed that we can forget mm-hmm we can forget what the purpose is. Yeah. So, I like having a community of like-minded people around me to kind of keep me on track. That's why I'm on with Arlena right. Like she keeps me centered on track. Okay. We're going down this road. That's right. I can keep going down this road. Yeah. It's really important to have others around you that are cheering you on. Like you!

Tamar: Yeah, we all need someone. I, I have multiple people in my corner I work with. Because I have to just because I'm teaching, it doesn't mean I don't have to continuously go through it when I take people through the neuro change, right. Yeah. Yep. Which is part of the now what academy. Yep. I walk that journey with them. I will pick something that I'm specifically going to focus on at that time of my life and go, okay.

What is it that I wanna work on? Open the door up to now. 

Lane: Yeah. I was thinking about, as you evolve through teaching like you're teaching, you're evolving as well. Every single time. Yeah. That's yeah. When I do a practice with somebody, every time I go into practice, there's that same evolutionary process. I'm so like I'm grounded back into my purpose.

Tamar: So good and it helps you know, in terms of staying sober purpose increases your wellbeing. Yes. Right. It, decreases your ill-being and enhances your resilience. And we, I think we need to build that resiliency when we become. Sober because life is going to throw stuff at us.

Oh my God. So much stuff, lots. And if we're not resilient and we have this complete meltdown. And the easiest way for us to cope is to go back to our behaviors, whether that's, you know, your Snickers bar, alcohol shopping, sex, whatever that looks like for you. When we build up that resilience like I know that even on my hardest days, even when I just feel like laying in bed all day, I still actually look forward to getting up, to see what's going to happen that day and how I'm gonna move through it.

Lane: Yeah. We could do a show on resiliency too. Yeah, we could. It's on the list added to the list tomorrow. I will. So many things. These are the things that we are talking about in the now what academy, and this is what we talk about in the community. If you're not a member, we have another fun challenge this month. All about health. Yeah. Yeah. Health, I think. Is it part of my purpose? I think so. I think so. Yeah. It just, I can't, I can't get rid of it. It doesn't go away. I keep trying to bury it. It's like, oh, here it is. Again. sprouting up. Uh, so yeah, in the community this month, it's all about health and, uh, refining your health mm-hmm so we hope that you're in inside there. Uh, remember it's important to live on purpose. Yes. And we've got your back. You know this emotional wellness journey and being in recovery is no joke. No, and it's so much better when you're with a crew of other human-like-minded women, you know, walking down the path. So we hope that you'll join us. Uh, please make sure to leave a review over on iTunes, go to our website. You're sober now what to that big orange button we wanna hear from you? Anything else tomorrow about purpose living on purpose? Do we wanna give them an exercise? An idea?

Tamar: Yeah, we could.

Lane: Yeah, definitely could let's do that. What let's what do you got?

Tamar: So there's a simple concept called ikigai.

Lane: Oh yeah. I love ikigai,

Tamar: Not an icky guy. So don't be thinking, you know, man, in a Speedo, I mean, that's your, oh my, my God. That's visual. if that's your thing, that's cool. There's no judgment from us. You ask yourself four questions, so you just have to write these down and then, you know, go away, find a quiet spot and write down your answers, you know, think about what do you love? Start writing down everything you love. Right. It could be, I love chocolate. I love walks on the beach. Right. Just what do you love? Um, then what are you good at? Right. And if you have. Problems coming up with, what are you good at? I would suggest you reach out to a few friends. I'd say at minimum three if you could do five, even better mm-hmm and ask them, listen, I'm working on my myself. If you were to come to me for any sort of advice, what would that advice be? 

Lane: You'll be surprised. I'm just gonna tell you right now. Yeah.

Tamar: Yeah. And usually, it's the opposite of what you think. Yeah. Right. You look at that as a weakness and you're like, oh, so that's how you're showing. And you can also repurpose these as affirmations, which is very cool. I had a client do that. She printed them out, so you can do that.

Lane: Somebody told me I was a great listener, like, and that's one per like several people told me I was a great listener. And I, I was like, what are you talking about?

Tamar: Really? Yes. I think you're a great listener. Oh, I see.

I'm like what. So, there you go.

Lane: So that's what I'm saying. See, that's, that's it right there. Like your friends are gonna know more than, you know. Yeah. So get that, get that feedback. So I'm going to go back. That's number two is to ask your friends don't make your own.

Tamar: Just so scrap what are you good at? But if you have some extras to add on there, add what are you good at? Cause I was a good cheerleader. I knew I was a good cheerleader. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so you can do either or, but yeah. Start with your friends. So that's number two. And then number three is what is your calling or what could you get paid for? And I always say calling because getting paid, some people get hung up on the getting paid. If you kind of circle back to the first two, you know, when I did it, I knew I was a good cheerleader. I loved to motivate people and keep people accountable. And when I looked at all the things that I could get paid for, I thought, well, I could be a coach. I could be a blogger, right. Because I started blogging early on in my recovery. So just write down, you could, your calling could be, you wanna be a stay-at-home mom and give your child an amazing upbringing. Like what feeds your soul?

Lane: What feeds your soul?

Tamar: Um, and then the last one is what does the world need more of?

Yes, a lot of things right now. 

Lane: Love and laughter unity, light dancing, dancing, and fun! 

Tamar: Health. There you go. You have like 10 things right there that you can add to your list.

Lane: Yeah. Okay. So we did all, all four steps.

Tamar: You did all four steps and now take a look at it. And start to maybe highlight things that resonated with you. Because when I did this exercise, I was like, okay, you know, I'm good at cheerleading. I could get paid to be a coach. I love helping people. There needs to be more unity. People need to have, you know, more confidence and I'm like, huh, maybe I could help people for a living. And so I started to explore that, right?

Some people come up, I love traveling or I'd like to do, you know, I love retreats. I love animals. And I've had people go well, I would love to help people do, do yearly retreats, with animals and therapy. Explore what, you know, feeds your soul again. We're going back to the feeding, the soul. 

What you did, eating your soul. Yep. I know. Yeah. Purpose. Yeah, direction clarity.

Lane: It's right there. Hmm. So good hanging out with you today my friend!

Tamar: Always great to hang out. We have so much fun.

Lane: Thanks for hanging out with us. Let's wrap this up with a bow. Yeah.

Tamar: See you next time.

Lane: See you next time.

Check out the You're Sober! Now What? Podcast

With over 35 years of continuous sobriety Tamar Medford & Lane Kennedy teach sober women over 40 how to feel ten years younger, do what they love everyday and live their best lives. Discover how you can create your dream life through mindfulness, meditation, science and spirituality.

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